The Decontamination Collaboration
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: Unusual brain extraction issues and Leonard's brother threaten game night. This is a creeper/tramp tries to break up the Shamy story. What happens if there is no break down in communication and they work as a team? Rating may go up.
1. Mommy Issues

**The Decontamination Collaboration**

Mommy Issues

_Hail Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I own nothing_.

Amy looked disgruntled as she trudged up the staircase toward a dinner she had no interest in eating. After the day she had endured, the gang would be lucky if she didn't throw her food at the wall like an enraged gorilla. Her still damp hair, pulled back in a makeshift bun, the absence of her usual wardrobe, hinted at the events of the day. She was clad in a jersey maxi skirt that was technically her size, a sport tank/bra and a light weight, pink UCLA hoodie sweatshirt. Her legs were bare and she wore flip flops. And she wasn't wearing any underwear. This was less liberating that one might imagine.

Without knocking she flung open the door to apartment 4A, walked in, threw her bag on Sheldon's computer chair and collapsed in her spot with her arm thrown over her eyes.

"Hi, Amy," Leonard said, from the kitchen. Her free arm waved and she remained silent. "This is my brother, Michael." His voice indicated she might be perceived as being rude.

Inwardly cursing Leonard's addiction to social protocol, she rose from the sofa and faced the brothers in the kitchen. Michael Hofstadter took her by surprise. He was average height, which meant he towered over Leonard. He was handsome in an almost delicate way which made Leonard look like a creature that should be forced to live in the sewers. Michael looked like pictures of their mother she'd seen on the back of her books. The only thing he shared with Leonard was the truly unruly hair situation. "Nice to meet you, Michael," she held out her hand to be shaken, "I am Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

Michael took her hand, smiling, "So you aren't on the mysophobic band wagon?" That sounded like a slam on Sheldon and she was not in the mood.

"That is an inaccurate assumption. I would figuratively kill for some Purell at the moment." She said, icily, staring at her palm, "God knows where you've been." She looked at Leonard, wondering if he was irritated with her, but he was grinning widely, so she supposed he was not. "Leonard, is there wine?" she asked, going behind the kitchen Island.

"There is. I'll get you a glass. Michael, do you want a drink? We have light beer and boxed wine." Leonard asked.

"Wow… classy." Michael smirked and sat on the bench on the other side of the island, "Light beer, please." He regarded the woman leaning against the counter, oozing "not impressed with you, pal" from every freshly scrubbed pore. Had she been swimming?

"Dare I ask?" Leonard handed Amy her glass. "What happened to you? You look…"

"Like someone who just got out of a contamination shower and had all her clothes burned? Like someone who is clad in garments she shanghaied from wandering and over-dressed undergraduates?" Amy growled taking a sip of her wine, "Well then, in this case, I must say looks aren't deceiving."

"Jesus!" Michael exclaimed, "What do you do for a living?"

"I am a neurobiologist." Amy said shortly. Michael narrowed his eyes and smiled in a way she found off-putting.

"What happened?" Leonard asked, with concern. He knew from horrible personal experience that the forced decontamination shower could never be qualified as merely a precautionary measure.

Amy put her glass on the island and leaned forward on her elbows, looking mildly haunted, "I can tell you or you can watch it on you tube… Good Lord, I've been handling fresh brains since I was 17 years old. About 10% of them fall on the floor… that's life… It happens. How did something like that even get into the cadaver lab?" seeing the brothers' curious faces, she sighed dramatically, turning away from Leonard, she spoke at Michael, "That was a rhetorical question. That means I do not require a response."

"I am a Harvard educated lawyer, Dr. Fowler…" Michael began.

"Oh, okay…" she glanced at her friend and grinned slightly before turning back to his brother, "Don't worry. I promise I'll use smaller words so that you can understand Leonard and me." Amy said dismissively sucking down the rest of her wine, before holding the glass out for Leonard to refill. She wasn't in a place to embrace self-awareness or she would have noticed that she was being sort of douchey and rude to Leonard's brother. She might have processed the fact that Leonard was absolutely **loving** it.

Even if she had been in self-aware mode, she would never have noticed that Michael was **loving** it too, in an equally absolute and much creepier way.

She resolutely refused to speak further about the events of her afternoon when pressed by Howard and Penny. When Sheldon came in with Bernadette and Raj, she had to make an exception. Mostly because she had texted Sheldon from the contamination unit before her phone had been destroyed. He pulled her over to the window and they began to whisper to each other.

Penny swallowed her wine. "Let's guess what they are saying based on hand gestures."

Bernadette raised an eyebrow, "She delivered a baby with salad tongs."

Leonard shook his head, "No…. She was cooking a turkey and when she took it out of the oven with… salad tongs? And then it exploded? And turned it… it turned to poisonous gas?" His eyes were wide.

Howard frowned, "Now Sheldon is saying is there a cadre of small birds that are attacking his face? And Amy is saying he is wrong but it smells like bird poop, that much she will admit, but everything from the waist up is… perfection…?"

"No, no, no. Amy says she has giant boobs." Penny countered, "Now Sheldon is saying yes, Amy, you have giant boobs but that doesn't mean a turkey/baby/soccer ball should explode when you remove it from an oven/its mothers vagina/the back of a minivan?... With salad tongs?"

"Nor should it vaporize and/or turn to fairy dust." Raj finished. "Crap, Bernadette go find out what happened. She won't tell us and Sheldon won't be able to tell us because Amy has thrown him into a pre-panic attack tail spin." When the little biologist joined the couple, Raj whispered, "Let's do Bernadette too."

Leonard squinted, then winced as Bernadette screamed, "Good God! Why weren't you quarantined?" before dragging the other woman back to the bathroom.

Sheldon approached, looking pale. "Amy says she wasn't exposed to a bio toxin. Although the fact that they hosed her down and scrubbed her skin with industrial strength cleanser and steel wool might you cause you… to doubt or dispute this fact." His eyes were wide. Raj handed him a beer and he drank it without looking at it.

Michael looked at Leonard, "Wow. Your friends are way more interesting than mine."

"Yeah, they are!" Leonard grinned smugly at his brother, then got serious, "It isn't always like this… Usually it is me or Howard in the decontamination shower and Amy yelling at Bernadette "Good God! Why weren't you quarantined?""

Amy and Bernadette emerged from the bathroom just as the pizza arrived. Bernadette had vial of Amy's blood in her hand, "I need a sharpie!" she hissed.

"How did you draw her blood?" Penny asked eyes wide, "Has the first aid kit gotten more sophisticated?"

Amy sat down between Sheldon and Raj, "She gnawed my arm then sucked the blood out, like a tick." She said, looking both nonplussed and pale as Casper the Friendly Ghost as Bernadette scribbled on the vial and put it in the fridge.

"Sarcasm?" Raj asked.

"Would that make this easier for you, kid?" She then smiled coolly at Michael as he refilled her wine glass, "Thank you. You are a credit to the service industry." He did not look insulted, in fact his gaze grew smouldering. She didn't notice, Sheldon did. Glaring at the interloper, he put a slice of pizza onto a plate for Amy and placed in her hands. Her smile for him was sweet and warm. He relaxed a little. Maybe the beer was working. So he didn't refuse when a smirking Penny handed him another.

It was Wii night. That meant after dinner it was team competition in the Los Robles Triathlon which consisted of Dance, Dance Revolution, skiing and bow hunting. Because with Michael they had 8, they divided into teams of four.

Amy, Leonard, Michael and Raj were standing in the kitchenette drinking. Amy narrowed her eyes at Michael. "Leonard," she stage whispered. "Your brother is staring at me. Is it brain damage? Was he dropped on his head as a baby?"

"That would explain so much." Leonard chuckled, "I think the more likely scenario is that you have stimulated his childhood neuroses. Dr. Fowler, meet Oedipus." He grinned at his brother, then stage whispered back, "He has mommy issues."

"And you don't?" Michael bristled.

"Michael, do not insert yourself into other's people's conversations. It makes you seem common. One would assume you were born or raised in an animal enclosure." Amy said waspishly. Leonard laughed and seeing Michael's weird fascination with Amy grow more intense, he whispered in her ear. She looked at him quizzically, he nodded enthusiastically. With a sigh, Amy stood up straight, gazed at the younger brother, "Michael, I am very disappointed in you." Seeing Michael's face redden and his pupils dilate, she turned back to Leonard, frowning, "You know, there are ladies in West Hollywood who will do this kind of thing for a couple hundred bucks."

Michael piped up, "Yes, there are." He winked at her. She smiled back with glacial indifference.

Then Raj came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, drunkenly whispering into her ear, "Amy, will you give me a lobotomy?"

"I offered once. You said no." Amy unwrapped herself, turned to face him, "No do overs, pal." She gazed over to where Sheldon and Howard were now Wii skiing, and smiled adoringly at her boyfriend. She didn't notice Michael sulking.

Across the room, Penny and Bernadette observed everything. The taller woman whispered to Bernadette with a giggle, "Wowee! Somebody has a little somethin', somethin' going on tonight." She gestured at Amy with her wine glass.

"I noticed," the smaller blond whispered, "She should take contamination showers more often. She's all bitchy and yummy. Do you think Sheldon's noticed his girlfriend is sexual chocolate tonight?"

"Damn it!" Howard cursed, jumping off the ski pad. "Penny, your turn." He stood next to Bernie, "What were you two whispering about?" he waggled his eyebrows.

"About Amy's immense and noticeable fuck-ability this evening." Bernadette grinned. "Apparently, Mr. Michael noticed too."

Howard turned to watch the proceedings, nodded his head and yelled, "Hey! Gertie McFlirtyson! Bernie needs to talk to you!" Amy looked around and shook her head, raising a finger to indicate she'd be there in a moment.

"Amy you said you could do this! Hot needle! Do me!" Raj whined.

"I can do it. But, I mean, Iam capable of doing a lot of things. A lot of things I shouldn't do for legal and ethical reasons. The fact that I am able to restrain myself is all that is keeping my life from becoming a Planet of the Apes/Island of Dr. Moreau freak show." She winked and walked into the living area, "That and about a 78 million dollars."

The couple both stood staring at her with their arms folded over their chests. "How's the night going?" Bernie asked, sharply.

"You mean after your primitive Phlebotomy effort?" Amy looked at the disgusting dressing on her arm, then giggled, "I think we are going to have to amputate, but 5-6 glasses of box wine and I find I don't even care anymore."

"I mean," Bernie grinned leaning closer, "The flirty McFlirty thing with Leonard's brother."

Amy turned over her should and gazed at Michael then turned back, "Honestly it isn't flirty McFlirty. It's more Leonard using me as the dull spoon he that he will use to figuratively castrate his brother. Since this isn't normal Leonard-esque behavior, I am going to assume Michael deserves it."

Howard cocked his head and looked at ridiculously handsome young man, "No doubt. But you can't deny he is into you, though."

Amy leaned closer and stage whispered, "Watch me. And this isn't denial. This is me understanding behavioral patterns in primates. He is a monkey and he isn't into me. He is into using me as an emotional and/or sexual surrogate to relieve his childhood emotional and/or sexual traumas. I am just a female brain scientist who isn't his mother that he may decide to fixate on. If I didn't have better things to worry about, it would creeping the hell out me."

"He's handsome." Bernadette observed dispassionately.

Squinting at Michael for a second, "No, Sheldon's handsome. That is not my thing." Then she turned and gazed over her shoulder at Sheldon who was getting off the virtual slopes calling for Raj to suit up. She smiled possessively. Then she gripped the back of the computer chair, "Wow. Woozy."

Sheldon was at her side instantly, holding a hand over her forehead, "You are burning up," he said, guiding her to sit in his computer chair. He knelt down next to her, "It is the bio-toxins."

"Nah," she smiled, gently petting his head, "It is just gangrenous from Bernadette's violent blood extraction."

"Quit saying that!" Bernadette hissed, looking guilty.

Leonard knelt on the other side of Amy with his first aid kit, "Let's rule out gangrene," he smiled, comfortingly then he pointed at Sheldon, "Do not look while I do this." He then removed the gauze from Amy's arm, stared at the wound for a moment, then glared at Bernadette, "Bernadette! My God! Did you really use your teeth?" Bernadette frowned, and sat down.

Penny came over and popped her head over Leonard to see the wound. She put her hand over her mouth and raced to the bathroom. A few seconds later the purge could be heard throughout the apartment.

Sheldon resolutely refused to look at her mangled arm, resolutely maintaining eye contact. He spoke in a low tone, "Amy, we are going to take you to the hospital, now."

Shaking her head, "No, no, no… I just need to sleep," her gaze shifted and she watched what Leonard was doing for a second, "Leonard, babe. I know you think you are helping, but, honey, you are not helping. It won't heal if you keep picking at it." She patted his head with her good hand, "I appreciate the effort, but get the hell off me before I pass out.." Leonard nodded in agreement and began to re-bandage her arm with clean medical gauze. "I just need to sleep." She slurred.

Howard, who'd been observing the procedure, clapped his hand once and grabbed Amy's bag, "This isn't one you get to sleep off, kiddo. People! Let's mobilize! Bernadette, go get the car, Sheldon and Raj get her on her feet and help her down stairs. Penny, grab that vial of blood from the fridge and put it in the mini-cooler. Leonard, you should probably call the hospital and try to explain the situation… Michael, it has been nice to meet you. You have no role here." Sheldon glanced at Michael over Amy's head.

Michael glared, "What's your role?"

"I am the guy that isn't going to stand around allowing a debate on whether or not the lady with the weird fever and grey arm pus needs to go to the hospital." Penny over heard this and lurched to puke in Leonard's waste basket. She shurgged and then raced across the hall to get the cooler.

"Take-charge Howard," Raj grinned to Amy as he balanced her against his body while Sheldon put on his wind breaker, "That is my very favorite Howard." Sheldon nodded at him affirmatively as he pulled Amy's good arm around his shoulder, guided/dragged/carried her away from Raj and out of the apartment.

Quickly, it was just Leonard and Michael in the apartment that smelled of Penny vomit and grey arm pus.

"So, I guess I'll see you before you leave town…" Leonard began, slinging his bag of his shoulder.

"I should come with you." Michael chirped.

"For what purpose? I don't see this getting litigious. I don't know about Amy's contract, but I can't sue my workplace for anything that including a contamination shower…. Or possible radiation leak." Leonard stated, "Look, Mikey, she isn't for you. I am pretty sure her contempt for you is genuine." Seeing his brother's face go blank, "She studies primate behavioral patterns, also Amy has read all of Mother's books. You can't trick her. You know, I can always tell when she finishes one. She always buys me a cupcake, complements my work and calls me slugger."

"What kind of cupcake?" Michael asked, jealously.

Leonard pointed at his brother, "Not for you." And walked out the door.


	2. Hospital Beds and Kissing Protocols

_I own nothing. All hail the benevolence of Bill and Chuck. Be advised… the following Freudian interpretations are totally pulled out of thin air._

Hospital Beds and Kissing Protocols

Sheldon sat in a reclining chair next to Amy's bed. He'd spent roughly the last 8 hours guarding her. This schedule destroyer was necessitated by earlier, horrifying events. He'd left his girlfriend alone in the ER cubicle for precisely 3 minutes and 18 seconds only to return to find a first year medical student jabbing Amy's arm in an unsupervised and unsuccessful attempt to start her IV. Amy was out of it due to her high fever and wasn't able to protest.

He'd freaked out. His mother would have called it a "pitchin' a fit". He'd pushed the child doctor out of the way and blocked all further attempts by him to reach Amy and her poor abused veins. When the hospital security came to throw him out, the charge nurse defended him because of the mangled condition of Amy's arm. But he'd been banished to the lobby until she was fully admitted. High anxiety caused him to stalk around like a crazed bobcat until Leonard provided the correct hot beverage followed by the muttered warning, "If you don't settle down, you won't get to see Amy until tomorrow. And she'll want to see you. So for God's sake, take the crazy down a notch."

By the time Sheldon was allowed to return to Amy in her hospital room, she'd been lucid enough to request that he be allowed to stay with her.

The past summer that Leonard had spent vomiting off the side of a science vessel had been revelatory to Sheldon in a number of ways. To keep himself alert for his night of guarding Amy against medical incompetence, he mentally enumerated them.

Leonard was a really good friend. Cooperative, agreeable, and intelligent. Sheldon regretted, in a small way, for denigrating Leonard's mental capacities. The lunch time conversations were even more lackluster in his absence. The only bright spot was if Bernadette would join them (Amy's route to and from UCLA had become what Penny termed a "clusterfuck" of road construction, so she had to curtail their lunch dates).

Amy, however, was more fun to live with then Leonard. As much as he missed Leonard, Amy was even more agreeable and intelligent (though, at times, less tractable and cooperative). Due to the aforementioned roadwork conditions, the only way Amy could drive Sheldon to work on her assigned days (Thursday and Fridays) was if she slept over at Los Robles. Since she had to drive him home on Friday (symmetry being essential), it made sense for her to stay over that night too. It was pleasant to have her there and the things that had frightened him about her pre-Valentine's Day move in request, were not terrifying in reality. If anything he enjoyed greater peace with Amy in the next bedroom, since he didn't have to wear noise cancelling head phones.

Rising from his chair, he sat beside Amy on the bed, watching the IV dripping powerful Antibiotics in her blood stream. Her fever was still unacceptably high, in Sheldon's opinion, but the so-called staff physician said it was "stabilizing." She was still very pale. Not the lovely slightly waxen color that usually adorned her visage, now she was pale like powder. When she slept, she always kept perfectly still (expect for night terrors, then she'd buck like a bronco on meth). Usually, he liked this about her, but now he just wished she move a little. And wake up.

Mostly because Sheldon felt concerned, he knew it would comfort him to kiss her forehead. And he couldn't do that when she was asleep.

It was against protocol.

Sheldon had initiated the Good Night Kiss protocols two nights after Leonard departed for the North Sea, when a regretful attempt at spontaneity on his part left both he and Amy with large forehead bruises.

The protocols were this, at the end of the evening, Sheldon would initiate eye contact with Amy, hold her gaze for 10 seconds. Then Amy would signal consent by blushing and tilting her face up to avoid injury. Then he would place his hands on her shoulders to hold her still as he leaned down and kissed her for 20 seconds precisely.

With no tongue.

The protocols had worked perfectly for 47 days, until he, in another inadvisable attempt at spontaneity, had introduced his tongue into her mouth. This resulted in Amy inserting her tongue into his mouth in response.

This surprised him. So he bit her.

Hard.

But not a sexy bite (which he believed existed and had made plans to implement), this had been a "Crap, you bite my tongue off!" chomp. Amy had sounded like Kripke for 2 days.

This led to the establishment of the French Kiss Protocols. French kissing could only be initiated after the good night kiss had officially ended. At that time, Sheldon would signal his intent by touching her hair and Amy would consent, by wrapping her arms around his waist to prevent any spasmodic jerking about on his part. The result was both hot and safety conscious. That made it even hotter.

Based on these experiences, Sheldon felt like if he went into kiss her forehead as he desired, he would crack her skull and then she would start bleeding from the mouth. And then he'd be kicked out of the hospital for sure. And just he couldn't bear to leave her alone after the day and night she'd endured. First a contamination shower, then Leonard's limited brother had sexually fixated upon her and Bernadette had attacked her arm like a chipper little vampire bat…

Leonard's brother. Sheldon hadn't thought about him since Amy had buried her face into his shoulder as he helped her into the car. Then she whimpered softly. At that point he had bigger fish to fry. Clearly, Michael had an Oedipal Complex that had found focus in a brilliant brain scientist, who was less strident and more sexually attractive than his mother. Amy had made it worse by being sincerely and deliciously dismissive of his advances. Even though Sheldon had not been the focus of this negative attention, he had found her saucy behavior quite stimulating.

Well Michael would be gone soon and Amy wouldn't have to bother herself with continuously rejecting the man's ruthless mediocrity.

No wonder Leonard was so clearly Beverly's favorite child.

Amy stirred slightly in her bed, "Sheldon," she whispered.

"I am right here, Amy. You had a bad reaction to the bio-toxins, but you'll be just fine," he said, gazing into her eyes until he observed the consenting head tilt and then proceeded to kiss her forehead.

After the kiss ended, she smirked, "I cannot believe they didn't kick you out after you slapped down the Intern."

"The charge nurse understood the concept of a man protecting his woman from incompetent needled jabbing." He brushed a stray hair out of her eyes.

"The last sane person in a world gone mad…" she chuckled. "I feel better though. I'd like to go home."

"You still have a body temperature of 101.8. You are staying put until a real doctor has a chance to look at you." Sheldon said sternly, "Given that your normal body temperature is 97 degrees, you aren't going anywhere, young lady."

"Fine." She rolled her eyes, there first indication that she might be feeling better. "What time is it?"

"7:39 am." Sheldon said glancing at his watch, "I was hoping Leonard would come with breakfast and a change of clothes…"

"Did I hear my name?" Leonard grinned coming through the door. "I have oatmeal and a change of clothes for 2."

"And this is why you are my favorite son." Amy smiled, as Leonard handed Sheldon the travel bowls of steaming oatmeal and placed the garment bags on the back of a chair.

Leonard squinted, "Thanks for that last night. That was really fun," he pulled around Amy's bedside table as Sheldon, rearranged her pillows so that she could sit more comfortably.

Sheldon sat on the bed opposite Amy and put the oatmeal and utensils between them, "I thought your brother was married, Leonard."

"He was. To Elsa the she-wolf of the Olympic Dressage Event. They are divorced." Leonard noted.

"Did Oedipus come into play in that relationship?" Amy asked as she dug into her oatmeal, she raised her eyes to Sheldon, "I probably shouldn't be eating this."

"You are not recovering from surgery, and I highly doubt hospital oatmeal is better than Leonard's." Sheldon said, then turned to his friend, "So did the marriage fail because Elsa realized that Michael wanted to sleep with his mother?"

Leonard rolled his eyes, "He doesn't want to sleep with our mother… just someone just like our mother. I mean it is still a sick thing, but it isn't the very sickest thing…"

"Gentlemen, please!" Amy interjected, "I can't believe we are discussing discredited Freudian theories. Freud is the historical figure I most want to travel back in time to smack. But since we are wallowing, here goes. The Oedipal complex doesn't necessarily indicate any overt or covert feelings of sexual desire for the maternal figure, despite what I yelled at Bernadette during the parking space war. More often those feelings indicate a need to recreate and/or build fresh a more idealized version of the maternal relationship. But with loving and accepting partner. This can be a healing and emotional fulfilling experience… and on the flip side (and in Michael's case) he can only get aroused when powerful women express disappointment in his mediocrity. His difficulty is that the more he excels in his own limited way, the smaller the pool of women who are powerful and intelligent enough to arouse him by acknowledging his lack of worth becomes…"

"So… why don't I have these urges." Leonard asked.

Sheldon and Amy both started laughing, "Leonard, you have urges. You crave female approval!" Amy giggled, "That is why you are the king of foreplay! Somehow you managed to create a safe place in your mind and heart that allows you to experience healthy attachment. You are less aroused by emotional abuse and more into… things that Penny has told me nothing about. Never. Ever. Your bedroom antics are a complete mystery to both Bernadette and myself." She cut her eyes to a smirking Sheldon.

"Then how did you know about the king of foreplay?" Leonard asked, frowning.

"Priya. That bitch loved to run her mouth." Amy hedged. "But none of this matters. Freud is irrelevant."

"They why did Leonard's brother sexually fixate on you because you were rude to him?" Sheldon asked.

"Beverly is a terrible mother, no offense Leonard…"

"None taken. I mostly agree." Leonard nodded.

"Her ideas of creating independence through profound emotional abandonment… And the fact at she tested her theories on her children… she should go to jail." Amy explained. "Then to be fair, Michael is screwed up, but his mother isn't the sole cause. He clearly has certain unrelated and profound personality disorders. He is a lawyer after all." Cue snickering from the boys.

"Please don't promise me that you will never give my personality issues this kind of thought." Seeing her condescending smile, "Too late?"

"Far too late." She acknowledged, "But I find your issues to be non-threatening, kind of sweet and, for the most part, easily overlooked because you also possess finer qualities…."

Sheldon shook his head, "Don't go overboard, Amy."

"Please, Sheldon, do you really believe that a person with no mental defects, deep seated emotional issues or personality disorders would fit in with our group? "

"No." he responded.

"What makes the group functional, however, is that we all possess finer qualities similar to or complementary to those I referred to in Leonard." Amy said.

"Can I invite him to dinner?" Leonard asked eagerly, "Suddenly, I really need to have you lay out my finer qualities to him."

Amy pushed her oatmeal away, "The idea of dinner with Michael is more sickening that the reality of this oatmeal. Sheldon, I'll assist Leonard with this only if you agree and will also enjoy observing the effects that my villainous nature have on the weak minded. What are your thoughts?"

"You are Sith lord at heart, Amy." Her boyfriend moved the side table away and laid a hand against her slightly warm forehead. "As long as you are healthy and find it amusing… You deserve a treat. Leonard, we are in."

_Sorry for the delay, work has been usurping my writing time._


	3. The Fifth Wheel

_Congrats to Mayim, Jim and Professor Proton for the Emmy nods! Chuck and Bill still get all the money._

The Fifth Wheel

Michael Hofstadter lounged in his luxurious hotel suite brooding wearing silk boxer shorts and a matching kimono. (not a gay look at all… More American Pyscho.) Last night had been strange in a way he had not experienced in a long time and that he currently had difficulty processing. Who could imagine that Leonard was living in a brave new world with such people in it? All his brother's friends had made an impression.

Penny was certainly beautiful in a run of the mill kind of way. She did have an adorable horror of pus. Also, the group seemed to love her as much as Leonard was purported to, but Michael's short chat with her had highlighted her complete lack of any accomplishment. Clearly, his big brother couldn't get a woman who was the whole package. If it wasn't for the fact that his mother was similarly enamored of the actress/waitress and approved so wholeheartedly of that relationship… Goddamnit! When did Leonard become his mother's favorite?

Howard and Bernadette, Michael could understand becoming friends with them. They were an intelligent, successful and (exclusively due to Bernadette) attractive couple. Also, they had a take charge attitude that he approved of. Although, Howard had been quite dismissive of him. Howard might find that was a mistake. Only women with Doctorates were allowed to dismiss him.

Rajesh was just a mess. Who asks a lady for a lobotomy at a party? Somebody who can't control the crazy, that's who.

Sheldon. Michael had met him before on two occasions and had heard about him whenever his mother felt the need to gush. All in all, he seemed somewhat less robotic than before, a little more tethered to the earth, although still as arrogant and particular about germs and food. The good changes Michael attributed solely to Amy's influence.

A vision of Leonard pointing at him flashed through his brain, "Not for you!"

Not for me? Who the hell does he think he is? Michael would pursue that which he desired. And what he desired was a freshly scrubbed, bespectacled neurobiologist who clearly thought him beneath her in every conceivable way. He shuddered happily at the memory of her icy rudeness. The contempt felt so good…

Right up to the point that she collapsed from exposure to a bio-toxins.

Michael wasn't crazy… Christ! That was so goddamned hot!

That kind of heat seemed more than a little wasted on her boyfriend, Dr. Chilly Willy. Michael continued to brood in a way his ex-wife had once described as Byronic… then she started using the term narcissistic until she accused of him being sociopathic in a court of law… How could he respect a woman like that? Didn't she know that all those words meant basically the same thing?

He got up off the sofa and headed into the bedroom. Time to attack the day.

Sheldon was reluctant to leave Amy, but someone had to hold Kripke's reins lest he run amok. "I will call you later just remember to get some rest."

She smiled up at him, "I'd rather go home. As soon as I get a ride, I am outta here."

"Okay, well now I can't go to work." Sheldon sat down frowning with an exasperated look on his adorable face.

"You don't have a choice. Someone has to hold the reins on Elmer Fudd, right? I don't see anyone else with the hand eye coordination to pull that off." Amy teased him, "Okay, how about this, If I get the chance to go home, I promise I'll wait for you or call Penny for a ride." Seeing Sheldon roll his eyes, "Fine. I will stay put until you come to retrieve me. Happy?"

"I am content. I'd be happy if an actual doctor wandered in here with a diagnosis." He groused.

"Don't hold your breath on that. If I demand a diagnosis, I am going to wind up in the basement of the UCLA medical school in the "troublemakers" wing." Amy sighed. "But if will sooth you, Bernadette is running on an analysis on the blood she leached from my arm."

"How are your arms?" Sheldon asked standing up. He couldn't bring himself to look.

"Neither are gangrenous, so woot. Score one for the home team!" Amy gave an arm pump, and winced in pain.

Sheldon leaned down and kissed her forehead, "No more hand gestures." He said sternly.

"Yes sir." She gazed up at him, smiling as he blushed . His cheeks became a delicious magenta. Being referred to by Amy with academic honorifics and as "sir" seemed to get him going more than just a little bit.

Amy dozed for about a half hour. She supposed it wasn't the worst thing in the world to be forced to nap and she knew better to defy Sheldon when he expressed legitimate concerns. She'd done it once and he'd told not only her mom, but his mom. And they'd both yelled at her.

Of course Mary had been much nicer about it, "Honey, I know how bossy that boy can be, but if he is actually right or it don't cost you nothing to do so… let him have is way."

This was wise advice. Life had been so lovely when she figured out Mary didn't disapprove of her and that she kept telling Sheldon things like, "Don't you get that girl pregnant!" or "I don't want to hear about you two livin' in sin," in hopes of stirring the fires of open rebellion.

She didn't like getting sick, especially since it cheated her out of last night's rightful good night kiss and her possible follow up French kiss. This displeased her mostly because she sensed that Sheldon was about to walk face first into the sexy brick wall of spontaneity again! During the last 2 French kisses… his hands had been very active, running through her hair.

According to her calculations, he was either going to bite her neck or grab her ass sometime in the next week.

The 5 months since the hot D&D sex had been quite eventful with their foray into greater physical intimacy and this breathtaking honesty. They talked about everything now. They loved each other and were able to express it in many ways. Also the "What the Hell, Sheldon?" moments were both fewer and more easily resolved. Smiling happily to herself, she closed her eyes to sleep a bit more and hopefully have some dirty dreams.

"Knock, Knock." A deep voice called from the door.

Her eyes remained closed. Goddamnit. Michael, the death of arousal.

"Oh I am sorry, are you asleep?" the voice drew closer. A sickening fragrance assaulted her nostrils.

Roses. Gross. And the last thing she needed was an allergy attack

With her eyes still closed, she pointed at the door, "Well, if I was sleeping, I am not now. Take those odious smelling things to the nurses' station and have them fetch me some Benadryl."

"I am I your slave? Would you like me to be?" Michael's voice was smooth… Not smooth… oily? Like a pint of warm Guinness on a freakishly hot day in Edinburgh. Ick.

"No. You are acquaintance who woke me up and assaulted me with pollen from an unimaginative floral arrangement." Her eyes stayed closed, her expression neutral. " I would never have a slave, but if you were my underling, I would trust you to not interrupt my sleep and not to cause my violent hay fever to kick in on a day with such a low pollen count when I am already in the hospital. Also you would have obeyed my first order immediately and without question… I rescind my compliment from last night. You are not a credit to the service industry." With her eyes still closed she pointed at the door.

Relief flooded her as she heard his footfalls as he scurried out the door and malodorous bouquet with him. She opened her eyes finally, wiping them with a coarse hospital tissue. God, she hadn't smelled something that sickening since her grandfather's composted all the wilted Mother's Day arrangements at the nearby nursing home. His yard stunk for a week.

Michael came back in looking confident and sheepish at the same time. A nice trick, but Sheldon was the master of this particular attitude. And her man made it look good.

She wondered if a side effect of the toxin was increased levels of Oxytocin because she definitely was experiencing some severely lovey dovey thoughts of her lanky Texan… Amy became aware of Michael speaking. He was tragically easy to ignore when he wasn't using flowers as a weapon.

"What are you doing here Michael?" she heard Penny's clipped tones and perked right up.

"I just came to see that Amy was recovering." He said, coldly.

"Hi, Bestie." Amy waved.

"Hey you crazy biach. That was cow-damned intense last night." Penny kissed her forehead and sat on the bed, and began to ignore Michael as well.

"I do what I can." The patient said raising her head a bit. "I think I can go home any time now… but I promised Sheldon…"

"What?" Penny chuckled, "To languidly await his return? Why didn't he stay?"

"The presentation is tomorrow on the project he's been working on with Dr. Speeth Impedimenth…" Amy lisped.

Penny raised her eyebrows suggestively, "Code name Sex Model Rocket?"

Amy shook her head sadly, "God you are a freak."

"I do what I can." Penny snarked, before turning her head to find Michael gazing at Amy as if he wanted to drink her in. Penny turned back to objectively appraise Amy's appearance.

Her hair was messy. Like sex hair. She wasn't wearing make up, but her skin was blemish free as usual because she hadn't had a pimple since a dark experiment in her bio-chemistry class her freshman year at college. She was wearing the jade green robe that Penny had sent over this morning with Leonard… The bio-toxin was probably some sort of love potion.

If it was a love potion, Penny might have to contact the Brujo who delivered all the Cheesecake Factory's dairy products, Don Juanito.

All in all, Penny nodded, thinking her bestie looked pretty doable.

Amy looked at Michael coolly. "I must ask you to leave, now. Penny has given me the signal that she has news that I must hear in secret…" That such a signal existed was news to be Penny. "Although, when Leonard visited me this morning, he suggested that the 4 of us take you out to dinner some time before you leave town." Here she shrugged, "He may not have been sincere. You should contact him. Drive safely."

Michael moved closer to the bed, Amy didn't appear to notice and Penny glared at him, "I had hoped we'd have time to chat, Dr. Fowler."

"How disappointing this must be for you. I shall see you next week… if I can't manufacture a work excuse to avoid the tedium. Now leave." She said dismissively and Michael suddenly obeyed her as if in trance. As he left, Penny raced to close the door behind with a satisfying thud (doors don't really slam in the hospital.)

"We have to dinner with him?" Penny made a face.

Amy nodded, "Unless Leonard decides to be merciful, yes we do."

The women stare at each other for a second. "So," Penny said looking around, "We should bust you out of here and go dress shopping for our fancy dinner party."

"I'll need something really expensive and super severe," Amy agreed. "If I am going compete with the memory of the Prussian Dressage Queen and Dr. Emotional Abuse." She hit the call light, "Will you call Sheldon and say you and the doctor made me go home?"

Penny laughed, "Chicken."

"Yes, but I(cluck) own it. (cluck)."


	4. Emotional Bug Bomb

_**Usual Disclaimers.**_

**Emotional Bug Bomb**

"So Don Juanito thinks it probably wasn't a bio-toxin, but that the… the… you know the dead guy had a demon. And that when you … gulp… sawed his head open, the demon just flew into you." Penny explained, as she enthusiastically dunked her teabag.

Amy and Bernadette exchanged glances.

"He says you will need a mini-exorcism…" Penny continued, "How do you feel about smoking peyote in a sweat lodge with a shaman for purification purposes? The Shaman's name is Dave and you'll have to drive to Arizona, but Sedona is supposed to be great. We could make a weekend of it."

The neurobiologist slowly drank her tea as if trying to find a diplomatic way to phrase her next sentence, "Weekend in Sedona sounds good. I am not going to lie, I am not too enthusiastic about Dave the Shaman. Also peyote? Isn't that a gateway drug to the mystical nether realm…"

"Let's put a pin in the Brujo's demon theory and peyote therapy for a minute." The smaller blond smiled indulgently, "The blood work up really didn't show anything interesting. Except that you are insanely healthy. So nice work…"

Amy shook her head, "The blood work doesn't matter. Toxins happen. All it took was a course of the Super STD antibiotics and I am going back to work on Monday."

"Super STD? What was that? Air born Syphilis?" Penny asked alarmed.

"No. Amy just meant it was the strong antibiotics used to treat drug resistant… We just call it that!" Bernadette huffed and then turned back to Amy. "So what does the university say?"

"They reminded me of the confidentiality clause in my contract and gave me a month of paid vacation." Amy toyed with the tea bag sitting on her saucer, "I'll be fine. My brain may dissolve when they open my skull though, but that will be someone else problem."

"Why would they open your skull?" Penny asked.

"After death, I am donating my remains to UCLA." Amy responded.

"You want people to play real life operation with your corpse?" Penny's eyes were wide.

Amy raised her tea cup, "Amy Farrah Fowler. Even after death, she is the life of the party." Seeing her Bestie's face go ashen. "Penny, I'll be dead. I promise I won't care." Bernadette clinked her water bottle against Amy's cup.

"You people are gross." Penny said, pointing at them, "At least the boys don't talk about squishy stuff."

The biologists burst out laughing, "God bless 'em. They are so easy to gross out," Bernadette choked.

"They are, aren't they?" Penny beamed affectionately, "Okay, change of subject. The dinner with Michael is tonight. Are you ready to unleash the Sith Lord within?" she pointed at Amy.

"My midi-chlorians are ready to rock." Amy dead panned, taking a sip of tea.

"So, not looking forward to it?" Bernadette smiled.

"No." Amy replied, "I am doing this as a favor to Leonard."

"I wish it was as fun for you as it is for us to watch. You are so good at it," Bernadette paused, "What is Leonard's game plan, anyway?"

"I don't know. Bring the pain, maybe?" Amy shook her head. "Listen, I know that if I wanted to emotionally torture one of my relatives, Leonard would have my back. Although, he would be completely useless at, so I don't see it coming up…"

"I think he just wants Michael to go away and not come back." Penny observed.

"Like when we made the bug bomb after the ants from Penny's apartment migrated to 4A." Bernadette noted to Amy.

The brunette grinned, evilly, "Hmmm…That was some good mad science!" she took a sip of her tea, "We really should have either gone to jail for that one or pursued a patent." Then they both got pissy looks and their faces and snarled, "Non-compete clause." In unison.

"Those ants didn't come from my apartment." Penny stated.

"Let's not do this again." Amy said, "We lied to the boys about the ant origins, we shouldn't have to lie to ourselves. So, Bernadette, shall I bug bomb Leonard's brother."

"He's a lawyer. I refuse to make the lawyer/cockroach joke." The tiny blond smirked, "I am better than that. But yeah, I think Leonard wants you to emotionally bug bomb his brother."

Penny smiled, "You should see her outfit for tonight."

"What's it like?" Bernadette asked.

"Executive Dominatrix." Amy said, staring into the depths of her tea.

"Nice!"

Penny nodded, "It is pretty hot actually. Have you showed it to Sheldon yet?"

"No. He isn't going to like it." Amy frowned.

"Why do you say that?" Bernadette asked.

"The skirt is too long. Sheldon seems to like my hems just above the knee." Amy replied. "I get more compliments with above the knees skirts."

"But," Penny told Bernadette, "It is tight around the butt area."

"Okay, quit it. I have never seen any evidence that Sheldon stares at my butt." Amy said.

"That is because your back is turned when he does it. Trust me. Your Dr. Cooper is an ass man." Bernadette nodded. "What else?"

"Penny is forcing me to wear 4 inch heels with a platform." Amy blushed a little , wondering if Sheldon's being an ass man was the reason he always insisted on walking behind her on the stairs. "So I'll probably be on crutches when we have brunch tomorrow."

"Force you? How could I force you?" Penny scoffed.

Amy batted her lashes, "Ah, Penny. You know I can never refuse you anything."

"Also if she tried, you'd get bossy and mean." Bernadette giggled. "Amy, go put the outfit on so I can see what you are talking about."

"That is the pot calling the kettle bossy and mean. And we need to start getting ready," Penny agreed, "We still have make up and hair to do."

Once Amy had disappeared into Penny's bedroom, Bernadette leaned over, "Executive Dominatrix?"

"Oh, yeah. Big time." Penny nodded, "Severe is really a good look for her."

Across the hall, Sheldon wasn't looking forward to this evening, either. As much as he adored Amy's instinctive villainy, he didn't want to watch her interacting with Leonard's brother all night. And if Michael so much as touched her arm, there would be some sort of beat down.

Also, he'd been forced to do his laundry on Saturday morning instead of Saturday night. And Leonard wouldn't let him wear the plaid suit that he and Amy liked so well. So he was stuck in that dark, dull nightmare Penny had coerced him into purchasing. The collar was itchy and he felt overly warm. He never should have agreed to this dinner.

His sulky thought pattern was broken by the arrival of a cheerful Raj and Howard.

"So ready to send your woman to the sexual lion's den?" asked Raj grinning.

Sheldon took a deep breath, "There is nothing sexual about this evening's agenda."

"At least not as far as Amy is concerned." Howard agreed, "I am more concerned with jerkass's agenda. But she'll have 3 protectors. You know Sheldon, if shit gets real, he'll have that spurt of spastic strength… Michael will have a bruise and Amy's virtue shall be well protected."

"Thank you for that Howard." Sheldon said, rising from his computer chair.

"Well, what if Amy starts to like Michael better than Sheldon?" Raj looked at Sheldon expectantly.

"Don't be ridiculous." Sheldon scoffed.

"As much as I'd like to board the let's make Sheldon twitch train, that isn't likely." Howard said, "Michael is an asshole."

"What is Sheldon?" Raj laughed.

Howard shrugged, "Apparently she is into Sheldon's kind of crazy."

"Exactly," Sheldon huffed, "Though, as you know I am not crazy. My mother had me tested."

"Okay," the engineer mused, "She is turned on by Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, mysophobia and Histrionic Personality types. You aren't crazy so much as mentally disordered."

"It isn't narcissism when you really are better than everyone else." Sheldon noted.

"See," Howard pointed to Sheldon, "That is what she likes."

Leonard walked out from his bedroom, wearing similarly dull attire. "You look good, buddy." He said to Sheldon with a wide grin.

"This is the guy I want to talk to," Howard announced, "He is the one who wants to watch Amy break his brother's brain."

The grin didn't waiver, "She's so good at it. If you are feeling sorry for Michael, let me put it this way, I called my sister, Anna, and told her the particulars. She begged to be allowed to attend the dinner. Then she called Elsa and told her about my plans. This morning Elsa sent me an email of possible trigger points for Amy to exploit. And then I got emails from his secretary, his cleaning lady, his golf friend, his college landlord, 3 ex-girlfriends and our father. They were all full of helpful hints."

"Your father?" Howard looked surprised, "Shouldn't he be trying to foster good relationships between his sons?

"Michael ratted to Mom about Dad's affair with the lunch lady." Leonard said, "Dad took a bath in the divorce settlement… he holds a grudge."

Bernadette peeked through the open door, "Okay Jedi knights, here comes Darth Domatrice." She flung the door open, and Amy walked through looking… well… every inch the executive dominatrix.

Sheldon scanned her appearance. Minimal eye make up; good. Blood red shiny lips; bad. High heels; dangerous and distracting. Glasses instead of contacts, good. Hair pulled back into a fairly severe bun; caused him to want take it down and touch her shiny hair… Dressed all in black; Suitable for a Sith. Modest neckline; attractive and sensible. Skirt; Too long. It hid her knees. Amy's derrière in skirt; Holy God!

His mouth went dry as he took Amy by the arm and guided her to walk directly in front of him and out of the apartment, "Let's get this over with!" he snarled.

Aside from being hauled out the door, Sheldon's reaction had been about what Amy had expected. Compliments on clothing were quite rare and were usually restricted to addressing if a new cardigan's color choice was acceptable or gave him a headache. He had on 2 occasions told her that he liked her skirt. Both those occasions had featured a slightly raised hem line and no tights.

As they walked down the stairs, he muttered, "Clearly Penny is trying to kill you."

"So you noticed the shoes?" Amy glanced over her shoulder at him and then she slipped on the stairs. Sheldon seized her under her armpits and hauled her back to safety.

"Yes." He said, "I have mentally cleared my schedule tomorrow so we can go select crutches for you." He was now walking even closer with his hands around her waist.

"Thank you. I have that penciled in as well. I have an older pair of socks in my purse for when I twist my ankle." Amy said. "I also have aspirin for when the tightness of this bun gives me a tension headache." As they arrived at the bottom of the staircase, she turned around and looked at his dark, suited figure. "My, aren't we a sharply dressed pair of goth kids?" she said as she straightened his perfectly straight jacket. He looked distractingly handsome.

"Well, this is a Sith operation. Black is the color." Sheldon nodded, "Since we are going to torture Michael, I have to warn you that there may be a cloying amount of compliments over dinner."

Amy restrained herself rolling her eyes, "Thanks for the heads up. I might have mistaken them for sincere compliments."

"You're welcome." Sheldon said, missing the sarcasm. "It is a nice costume though." He brushed some imaginary lint off her shoulder.

"Costume?" Amy was puzzled.

"I hope it isn't going into the normal rotation. It is professional look for your duties as a sith lady. However, I don't want to have to worry about your ankles snapping." Sheldon considered, "You should have worn your Star Trek boots."

Amy blushed, the Star Trek boot request was rare, but always caused capillaries to burst in her cheeks.

"Black leather boots would have taken this outfit to a different level of… what are we calling this? Evil?" Penny said coming down the stairs with Leonard behind her.

"They are also mid-heel and much more practical." Sheldon had no desire to discuss female footwear with Penny.

Leonard got a good look at Amy, circled her once and said, "We maybe need to take the Domme factor down a notch."

"Can I ditch the shoes?" Amy asked eagerly. "I have some less dangerous pumps in my car."

"Or we can stop at Amy's place for the boots." Sheldon suggested, firmly.

Leonard was amused by how Sheldon had fixated on the idea of Amy in those boots. "Penny, you are shoe marshal. Boots?"

"Fine." Penny looked at Amy for a second, "I also have a less bloodthirsty shade of lipstick…" She took her arm and guided her out to the limo.

Leonard turned to Sheldon, "did you see her ass in that skirt…" Seeing Sheldon angry eye twitch, "I like that energy. Save it for dinner."

By the time the gang arrived at the restaurant, Amy was feeling better. When she and Penny returned to the limo, she sported her Starfleet boots and a less threatening shade of lipstick. She'd also gotten an "You should wear those boots more often…" out of Sheldon and a knee pat when her skirt hiked up to where he seemed to think it belonged…

Sheldon was going to grab her ass tonight.

So switching to the lower heels had been wise, if Sheldon felt spontaneous, she definitely would have need the crutches tomorrow.

Michael waited patiently at the bar for his group, sipping some insanely expensive scotch. He knew what Leonard was doing with Amy, but it didn't matter. The fact that the deck was stacked so firmly against him, made the neurobiologist an even greater challenge. The unattainable conquest was always the most desirable.

Seeing the quartet stroll into the restaurant, he signaled to the maître 'd that he was ready to be seated.

He thought Amy looked stunning in a ruthless way. He frowned deeply when Leonard whispered something to her and she threw her head back laughing. The frown went deeper when her robot boyfriend held her in front of his body. He really hadn't considered the Texan competition. Perhaps that had been a mistake.

Leonard saw him across the room and Michael signaled him to the maître 'd. His little big brother was not going to be too pleased by tonight, he grinned.


End file.
